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I Am Gonna Die Anyway

I originally posted it on LinkedIn.

It was early 2008. I had just finished grade 7. My mother had something to tell the neighbors. In the house, it mattered neither to her nor to me. Once again, I had scored the best in my class. But I had failed, once again. Every time people congratulated me, I felt insulted. I hated the title of No.1. All that mattered was my yardstick, which I had fallen short of for two damn years. To have done better than others was of no concern to me.

I had no one to communicate with. My father mostly stayed out of the house. My mother did not quite like talking to me. Both ganged up on me when I tutored a friend from a C to an A. They didn't like whenever I preached to those who were falling behind. They believed in crushing the competition. I believed in competing with myself and cooperating with others.

My parents advised that I should not hang out with "losers," that I should restrict my circle to only the best students. True. My definitions were only a little bit different. I thought my teachers were incompetent, but they had convinced my friends that they were incompetent. In this ideological conflict, my parents teamed up with my teachers.

I was tired of society abusing children. I was tired of being seen as different. I was tired of being the No.1. I was tired of being extraordinary. I was tired of older people pressing down their beliefs but avoiding a reasonable debate. I could not find one person whom I could rationally talk to. I felt perpetually and eternally alone in the logos. Life felt like an endless tunnel made by people with tunnel vision. I was tired of life.

I believed in life after death. This bodily form is only a thumbnail in the journey of the soul. I analyzed it logically. If I die, the movie ends prematurely. I would have the infinite freedom of the viewer but lose the little freedom of the actor. If I do not die, I would be an actor for a little bit longer, while the destination remains the same.

What, then, is the point of seeking death when I will die anyway? Let me do what this bodily form can do. If there is any freedom I can attain beyond that, I will attain it regardless.

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