On Making Decisions

Sept 2, 2019

What is this concept of making the best decision? Lack of faith? Insecurity? Or the illusion of knowledge?

Do you know what all options you have? Do you know all possible alternatives? Do you know the future? No. You cannot create all of it. Do you fully understand all the variables involved? If we think deeply about it, there is not one moment in which we know all that is going on.

I was that student who sacrificed all of high-school so I could go to a top college and pursue my dream of becoming a physicist. I have no hangout or smoking on a hammock story to tell you. I studied well beyond 90hours/week. Only one college accepted me, however.

In college, I was again that guy who sacrificed all weekends to write my papers, apply for scholarships, and read extra books. Apart from academics, I volunteered and involved with Toastmasters, Speech and Debate Club, Entrepreneurship Club, and Christian ministries. I have no weed, dorm party, or bad date story to tell you. None of that ever happened. In my first semester, my own advisor, Mr. Wesley, asked me to go out and party. He thought I was working too hard. He had no clue I was gonna go much harder beyond that point. My study hours remained way beyond 70-80 hours/week. I finished my program three semesters early yet on the president's list. In two and a half years, my reading speed improved from 3 days/book to less than a day/book.

Yet I have never had an internship or a full-time job. All the money I ever made came from part-time jobs, selling stuff, and gigs. Throughout college, I faced rejections. I got rejected twice by my college's newspaper. I was rejected every semester by Housing besides my first and last semester (I did not apply in my first semester. In my last, it was pointless to apply). I was rejected by the admission office, the library (every semester besides first), the B&N on campus, the gym, campus patrol, the learning Center, athletic academic learning center, the campus call center, dining services, everywhere; you name it. Heck, I got rejected even when there was no money involved. International Student Advisory Board (ISAB) did not even let me be a member. When I tried out for MSU Fashion Board, I was rejected in the very first round out of three.

My rejections are endless. I gave you a glimpse to show you that worrying about making the best decision is futile. You can only control your actions, not their consequences. Therefore, I studied whatever I was interested in, without any consideration for what makes money. In hindsight, a decade of gruelling hard work without measurable success does not bother me. I still spend most of my time thinking, writing, and reading for no reason other than the fun of it.

Failures bother people when they have expectations. They expect money, fame, or praise from others. Not getting it becomes hard to digest. When you do to merely do, you become free from consequences. Nothing guarantees the future, which is kind of great. You do not want to live in a simulation. You can never make the best decision, because you never know enough to make the best decision. To think you know that much is an illusion disguised in knowledge. Therefore, just do what you want without any attachment whatsoever with the results. Don't worry. Live freely. Live unattached.

Part of this blog post was inspired by a lecture by Alan Watts.